That First Step

So, I should just go ahead and admit, here and now, that despite the many years I've spent in the christian life and way, I still know or have known very little about living by faith and by that I mean, only by faith. I'll leave my suspected reasons for this to another journal entry and another time. Suffice it say, I begin now where I suppose I should have always begun, knowing little – wanting more.

If you are reading this journal today it may mean that, you too, know little but want more. And it may mean that you have come to where you are as I came to where I am. I came to this place because I have come to the end of myself. I have come to the end of all that I can do to help myself. I have exhausted my mind and body in an overwhelming struggle to defend myself, and commend myself, and extend myself. And I have accomplished none of it.

Obviously, this is not the definitive guide to living by faith written by someone who is learned and schooled in such matters and who has had years of experience living where and how this life should be lived (must be lived). I have none of that and I can offer you very little in that kind of steady assistance. This is simply of journal of someone trying to know and seek the wisdom that really only comes from God. (Proverbs 9:10)

You can read all the books ever written and learn almost nothing if indeed you have little or no desire to learn. I finally have reached that place where I want to learn. (No, I need to learn.) I invite you to join me as I move along in this pathway. My steps will be careful and probably painfully slow. I'm perfectly willing to learn slowly if I can only learn well. This is my personal journal of how God has spoken to me and might speak to me again as I try to move back to the faith.

I have lived long and lost a great deal of what I thought mattered most. I'm taking this road now not because I chose it first or best. I've chosen this road now because it is the only road left. The prodigal son walked this road long ago in a beautiful story that Jesus once told. (Luke 15:11) He had lost everything. So, without much confidence he said to himself, “I'll go to my Father's house.” He walked that road not because he chose it first or best. He walked that road because it was the only road left. He could take it or die. He looked out across where the land meets the sky. He groaned within himself. He took a deep breath. He took a step.